Chasing Pavement

Wedding Pictures

2012-01-12T21:18:00.001+08:00

I've never seen them so happy before. Their radiant faces shone and I was completely struck blind from their joy. I'm glad that that happiness is forever preserved in pictures. I hope that whenever they see those pictures in the future, they will be immediately transported back to that particular moment in time and remember how they exactly felt.

Bags

2012-01-04T10:28:00.000+08:00

"Why don't you pack a little lighter?"

"Impossible! Girls always have a heavy load to bear. This is nothing."

-Usagi Drop

Turning My Back

2011-12-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid.

It's because I'm starting to not to give a damn.

Who Are These People Really?

2011-12-20T22:12:00.000+08:00

People act differently when they are with different people according to what kind of image they want to impress . For example, a person can be on his best behaviour in front of his parents, diligent and hardworking in front of his colleagues and bosses, coy and charming in front of a date and completely crazy and wild in front of his closest friends.

His parents might think that their son is a perfect angel, his colleagues and bosses might think that he is ambitious and determined, his date might find him flirty and his closest friends might think of him as cool based on the different impressions that he gave.

This comes back to my personal experience with impressions.

I recently made a new friend. We have known each other for years but we have never got the chance to sit down and have a proper conversation or hangout. We didn't really know each other. My sole impression on his is that of a complete asshole whose sole aim in the world is to spout offensive nonsense and obscenities based on the kind of language that he uses.

I know that judging someone from a distance before getting to know him in person can be very misleading. However, I couldn't help writing him off into my list of the people that I wouldn't want to associate myself with.

A few years later, we saw the need to finally properly interact with each other. On the first few minutes that I get to properly talk to him, my whole impression of him had a complete makeover. He is still that asshole who had a big mouth and a penchant to saying things that offend. But there are more sides to him than that. He is intelligent, extremely opinionated, constantly curious and if he actually puts in an effort to be nice, he can be very friendly and fun -the centre of the room.

And then, I met up with a very close friend of mine and told her about this complete reversal. To my surprise, she had a completely different opinion on him and it was negative. She find it difficult to see him the way I did. She told me about other sides of him that I didn't see that set her negative opinions on him in cement. Her views caught me off-guard. It never occurred to me that there are other sides of him that I didn't know.

Now, I don't make a habit of taking others accounts on things word for word. I would usually make sure that the source is credible, the facts are right and develop my opinions objectively based on my own experiences in a matter. However, a close friend can be a credible source indeed. But even though I trust her, I couldn't help giving my new friend the benefit of the doubt.

This situation gave me a nagging feeling. I'm scared, worried, confused and slightly paranoid.

How can we say that we truly know someone from our own impression on him? Are there other sides that I didn't know of the people that I've known for years like my best friends and parents?Who are these people that I've known around me really? What are their motives?What kind of image to they want me to see of them?

Seeing Things

2011-12-19T14:14:00.000+08:00

Different people have different thoughts and views pertaining to certain issues. Different people see different 'truths'.Some believe that the durian is the tastiest fruit of all and is rightly named the King of the Fruits. Some simply couldn't stand it. I don't think people should bite each other's heads off fighting over what they think is right.

I always see people on one side, by default, insist the other side is wrong because they are on the other, and therefore 'wrong', side. They never want to listen and understand why others are opposed to their thoughts, beliefs or ideas. They insists that they are right but they never explain or care to listen to what others have to say. I can see this in the parliament, where grown men are paid to bicker against each other like little boys and little or nothing productive gets done.

I believe that if people disagree, they should engage in a civilised debate with an open mind and come to some sort of productive agreement or concession. Everybody should make an effort to see things in a bird's eye point of view.

If you think you are right and want others who think otherwise to think so too, explain nicely. Put it in a way that can be easily accepted by the other party. Explain everything logically. I have seen many Muslim clerics stressing that one shouldn't do this and that because it's sinful. When we ask why, they defensively remark that it's haraam and expect us to shut up and never question about it afterwards. When we do, they claim that our faith in the religion is weak or that we are questioning God, etc.

This is my thoughts on the matter and I believe there are people who disagrees with me. I guess it's time for me to try to see things their way too.

At 21

2011-12-15T15:26:00.001+08:00

Right now, counting out the hours, minutes and seconds, I am 21 years, 2 weeks and 4 days old. I would be a minute older at 3.02 p.m. I would be an hour older at 4.01 p.m. My time is ticking. For each and every second that passed, there are cells in my body dying. Some of them are replaced by new ones but in time, my body will not work as well and the process slows down. My body will eventually slowly shut down and die. If I'm lucky enough.

I might get hit by a car when I go out for dinner in another few hours or so and die. I might die right now from a ruptured aneurysm. Nobody knows when death would come knocking.

It is essential that we make the best of the time we have in the world.

I am, counting out the hours, minutes and seconds, 21 years, 2 weeks and 4 days old. I am at the peak of my youth. I grow older for each and every second that passed. Before I know it, my youth would be a thing from the past, reminisced from time to time at old age. I might not even get to grow that old at all.

I want my youth to be reminisced fondly, if not by me, by my beloved friends and family. I want my time to matter -not in the way that is perceived by society but by me. I don't want to just have memories of me working hard in class and studiously revising for exams at 21. I want to smile when I think of what I did in the past. I want others to smile when they think of what they did with me in the past.

I don't want to worry about the future so much.

Sexual Harassment

2011-12-11T15:40:00.000+08:00

Contrary to general opinion, sexual harassment is not only physical. Like any other harassment such as bullying, it can be verbal, visual and mental as well. As a woman, I have had my fair share of being sexually harassed. Like most women, I have experienced cat-callings, ass-grabbing and I have had hands 'accidently' brushing against specific parts of my body. These instances are rare but it does happen especially to women when we take the bus or train or walk around a crowded place.

Some men try to justify these acts by blaming women about it. They say that women who gets sexually harassed wears too much revealing clothes. Because of such temptation, men could not possibly resist their natural urges and commits these kinds of acts. Even a certain Malaysian politician, when commenting about women being sexually harassed, paints the portrait of anguished men who have hard times controlling their lust due to women walking around in sexy clothes. They say that these women had it coming.

For all the misguided men out there, no woman (or man) wants to be sexually harassed. I do not deny the fact that women who dresses provocatively creates a certain degree of temptation to men. However, these women should not be the only one who gets all the blame. All human beings are given the power to choose the actions that take whether it's good or bad. Men have the ability to control their urges and not act upon it.

Furthermore, not all women who get sexually harassed dresses provocatively. Modestly dressed women experiences such harassment too. How do you justify that?

I don't understand the motivation behind those sexual harassment. Perhaps, these men are sexually frustrated. Perhaps they are sexually inept and effeminate. Perhaps they get excited by the thrill of committing a forbidden act. Perhaps they can only get off by the thrill of grabbing a random woman's ass in the middle of the crowd. Perhaps they just love the power play -the ability to dominate a woman, mentally and verbally and feeling superior to the woman they are harassing.

I do not know why (and I sure as hell is not interested to know the disgusting motives that these men have).I refuse to justify it.

Of Sticky-taping and Super-gluing

2011-12-03T11:02:00.001+08:00

I wish that all my troubles can be easily fixed with some sticky tape, super glue or a needle and thread.

Can You Take My Breath Away?

2011-11-26T18:41:00.000+08:00

I have loved this song ever since I heard it many years ago. I still do. When you listen to the lyrics closely, you find that it's very beautiful. To me, the thought of having a love like this is well, nice. It helps when the person singing this is Enrique too.

But when I think about it, regardless of how beautiful the lyrics is, it just doesn't make sense to me if it were to be applied in today's world. For instance, the idea of crying when I see a person that is in a relationship with me crying is incomprehensible to me. I have never even cried when I saw my mother crying. Watching a really good actor or actress crying in a good drama or movie on the other hand, is a different story. I doubt my life would turn up like all those kind of dramas and movies though.

Dying for the one I love? Seriously? Don't even let me start on that one.

Can my pain be so easily kissed away? Well, yes if Enrique were to do it.

Does a person actually stand by the person that they're in a relationship with FOREVER? Really? Everything seems so temporary for me today. I've seen too many couples who are madly in love with each other saying they'll stay together forever get divorced. Think about it. Can you actually stand being around a person forever?

Of course I have limited dating experience. What would I know? But it still doesn't stop me from being hopeful. Pessimistically hopeful, that is.

Have you ever been in that kind of relationship before?

The Clowns Have War Paints

2011-11-20T23:45:00.001+08:00

They put make up on my face. They say that it's a woman's war paint. I looked like a clown. Clowns have war paints too.

How We Make People Feel

2011-11-15T19:18:00.001+08:00

A senior of mine who I proudly call my mentor and friend gave this wonderful piece of advice to me a while back. She said that the friends that we made in school are special.They might not remember our name ten or twenty years in the future but they will remember how we make them feel.

She said that when we become adults who has set forth into the working world, we would come to truly appreciate that special bond we have with our friends in school. It's hard to find true friends in the working world who would sincerely do something for us because they wanted to. Most people pursue their own agendas. They work because they want to get paid, etc.Nobody would want to go through that extra trouble if they won't receive something in return. Those friends from school would when they remember how we make them feel.

I've never thought it that way before. I've never thought that what we make others feel will have such lasting impression on them. I've always thought that the only lasting impression that I have on others and that others have on me are the labels that we put on each other. For example, I thought that others would most probably remember me as that crybaby or that debater. I have never imagine that how I made them feel will matter more than the image I projected.

But when I think deeper, when I run through my head the list of friends that I made in school, her words rang true. I couldn't recall the labels that I put on to describe them or the things that they did but I can clearly recall how they made me feel. Some people made me feel bad. Some made me feel great.

I know that at some point in my school life that I've made people feel really bad. I was brash and didn'tput much thoughts into my words and actions back then. I wonder what they feel when they think about me now? Will they feel bad?

What do you feel when think about me?

Time I've Enjoyed Wasting

2011-11-13T09:35:00.001+08:00

I was feeling miserable because I thought that I've wasted so much time doing the things that I want to do instead of doing the things that I'm supposed to. This morning, I wake up and realise that I've run out of time to do the things that I'm supposed to do. Time just passes by so quickly and before I know it, I have reached the deadline of things. It felt like I've wasted so much time.

And then, I remember a quote by Bertrand Russell that a friend shared, "The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."

I did use up my time doing something that I enjoy and it would be a waste to have regrets about it. Why would I have any regrets using up my time doing something I like? I did not waste any time.

In life, there will always be opportunity costs to what one chooses to do with time. An event occurs and it becomes the past. It doesn't matter what you do in the past as long as you don't have any regrets.

I've enjoyed my time and I have no regrets.

Walls

2011-11-12T23:36:00.001+08:00

Whenever I read books of fiction, I alienate myself from the real world. My mind builds this thick invisible wall around me, enclosing myself against people, even close friends, work and especially my fears and worries. Throughout the years, I realise that this can be a good thing for me. Through those books, I am able to create temporary respites for myself from facing the various pains and challenges of the world that I could not find even when I am asleep. Alongside my imagination, they become an avenue that distracts me from the heavy, bad feeling that I have in my chest. They help me go through yet another day.

However, like all avenues of escapism, through constant use, it can become addictive. There are some days that I feel reluctant putting a book down and sometimes I find myself even more depressed having to close a great book after reaching its ending. I long for that feeling of contentment and excitement that I do not normally feel in my normal life to last. I become more estrange from the world and I didn't care as long as I'm tucked safely beyond those invisible walls. I wander about halfheartedly throughout my day without putting much effort into the things I do or need to do. I become irritated when the walls come down.

A good reader takes it slow, savouring a story piece by piece, taking great pains to dissect and examine it. Like fine wine connoisseurs , they take small sips of the story and then appreciatively roll them around their minds before taking another. The trick to fully appreciate a story is self-restraint. A good friend of mine, could spend weeks reading a book that I could finish within days -not because she is a slow reader but because she is a good reader who is perfectly capable of separating fiction from reality.

I have always admired that in her. I don't have that much self-restraint. I can easily become ravenous. I can devour book after book after book to maintain that wall around me, running away from reality which always has a knack for catching up.

I have just put down the final book in a series of five that I've downloaded three days ago and read. It's time to deal with reality and I'm not very keen about it.

People With Special Powers

2011-10-16T22:24:00.002+08:00

I'm one of the least optimistic person I know. I don't go around being Little Miss Sunshine all the time, bringing warmth, comfort, laughter and joy to every single person I meet. When a friend is upset or depressed, I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't have the talent at cheering people up or making them laugh. Whenever I try to do so, I would just end up failing miserably, embarrassing myself and looking ridiculous all at the same time. So, I would usually just be there beside them, doing nothing or speaking my mind out when I feel like it. Sometimes, I get the feeling that speaking my mind out brings forth a totally opposite effect than I intended.

What I meant to say is, I'm dull and cold. I'm basically miserable all the time. And because I don't have any slither of sunshine within myself for the warmth, comfort and laughter I need, cheering myself up takes a lot of effort and energy that leaves me tired and invokes feelings of helplessness.

I have always envied those kinds of people who could make people happy by merely existing. They seem to emanate a special light from within wherever they go. Their laughter are often infectious, their positive outlook in life is contagious and they always have this mischievous look of their face, etched perfectly in their smiles that confidently show that they can tackle whatever shit life throws at them and have fun doing it.

I'm always drawn to these kinds of people. I love how their positive vibe just rubs onto me, recharging my will to go on. In a way, being me, I'm lucky to be surrounded by these kinds of people who possesses this special power of making all the bad feelings go away, igniting bonfires of laughter and happiness in my life and generally make life worth going through.

The Act of Breathing

2011-10-11T16:30:00.003+08:00

You won't actually appreciate the act of breathing until you are struggling with it. You don't think about breathing because it comes so naturally, autonomously. And when you don't think about it, it becomes trivial when in fact, it is keeping you alive.

That's why I love dunking my head into the water, holding my breath in until my lungs are practically screaming for air and my head feels light from the lack of oxygen. The fact that my body is trying to override my action, forcing me to get my head out of the water to start breathing again and resist drowning, reminds me that I'm alive and my body is in control and working fine.

It scares me when my body is not in control, when I gasp for air and there is very little or none at all or when I have trouble breathing or couldn't gasp at all. It makes me feel like I'm dying and rather painfully at that. It reminds me of my sickness or helplessness.

There Is Something About Old Age That Frightens Me

2011-08-28T17:55:00.005+08:00

We are dying. We all are since the moment of our birth. Some of us don't know when and how and some of us do.

But what is clear to everybody is that when a person has lived up to a certain amount of years and owns a body is bent and broken, weary of use and has accumulated a certain amount of wrinkles and grey hairs, plagued with many illnesses, it is his time to die.

I have to admit that death does frighten me to a certain degree. The idea of my body as just another corpse, alone, decomposing and smothered by 6 feet worth of dirt is far from appealing. It's just not glamorous. And for me, being dead and decomposed is not the end. I have my afterlife and moments before afterlife to deal with. The fact that nobody who has returned from the dead to tell us what life after death would be like, turns it into one huge mystery. An unknown. And you know how we humans normally deal with something unknown. We fear it.

But it's not just the prospect of death that frightens me. It is the process of dying itself. It is the process in which each and single part of ones' body; the bones, tendons, sinews, muscles, joints, veins and arteries, organs, brain and any other biological matter that allow our bodies to function grow tired from use and eventually break down.

The slow and steady decay, made obvious from the wrinkles and slow, painful movements, is so hard to look at in someone that we love and cares a lot about us. The thought that perhaps one day, that all of this will be me, gives me a sinking feeling.

Or Not Here

2011-08-28T17:46:00.004+08:00

If I'm going to be alone and miserable right now, I don't want to be here, stuck in my room, listening to a song on replay and the sound of the heavy rain outside. I want to be by the ocean. Or not here.

My Real Life Malory Towers Action

2011-08-26T22:22:00.002+08:00

When I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to move out of the house and leave behind all the family dramas that come with it. I got my wish but not quite the way I imagined it to be.

There was this old library in my primary school that have these old books, dusty and hardbound. Students hardly ever ventured into the library. But one day, out of a whim, I went in and found out that the contents of those boring, old, dusty books of the shelves are not quite the way we all imagined them to be. That was how I learnt about The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Famous Five and fell in love with Malory Towers.

When I found Malory Towers, I was completely absorbed into the story. I wanted to be the girls in the books and go to a boarding school, pull pranks, break a few rules, have fun and make friends. Malory Towers paints the perfect image of an all girls boarding school. As I little girl, I long for a dose of the real life Malory Tower action.

Back then, somebody should have stepped in and remind me to be careful of what I wished for because oh, boy, I did get what I bargained for -and so much more. Reality was quick to slap me in the face. I immediately got shipped off to an all girls boarding school. As soon as I go there, I immediately realised that the 'real life Malory Towers action' wasn't as pleasant as the fiction.

The truth is, neglecting my school work might be a lot of fun but it gets me into a lot of trouble later on. I found out that I was far from being the gutsy Darrell Rivers with a temper, I was Mary-Lou, feeble and unable to stand up for myself. I was athletically-challenged and couldn't play any sports well. Basically, there were a lot of things working against me and my notion of what being in a boarding school would be like for me.

But in the end, I grew out my Mary Lou phase, learnt to be strong mentally (still working on the physical), found something that I'm good at. I might not be the Darrell Rivers of the school but I'm glad that I discovered my own role to play there.

To top it off, I did pull some pranks, break a few rules, have a little fun and make some pretty darn fantastic friends and just like the girls of Malory Towers, there were many lessons learnt. I'm truly grateful for the good memories, the friends and those important lessons in life.

Don't Be Rude

2011-08-26T22:11:00.002+08:00

Please don't pretend that everything bad that happened in the past between us never existed. They did. From time to time, bits and pieces of those awful memories come back to me and whenever that happens, I couldn't help being bitter even though I've told myself not to countless of times.

I sure hope that you haven't forgotten all about them. They are not simply trivial moments of the past that could be carelessly erased. They make up years and years of my life. Years that I could never have back. Years that I couldn't help recall in anger and frustration.

So don't act as if everything's fine now. It won't ever be. So instead of being rude, please acknowledge that the past actually existed and we can work it out from there.

Helicopter Dream

2011-08-15T14:34:00.003+08:00

Last night, I dreamed that a helicopter malfunctioned and was crashing directly to my direction. In that brief seconds between life and death, I said to myself that I'm not going to die as a victim of a helicopter crash in a dream. Instead of running away to safety, far away from the direction of the crash, I stood there and got hit in the head by a toy helicopter instead. I didn't die.

Crossroads and Life Plans

2011-08-15T10:47:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to recall the girl that I was when I first entered this institution, pursuing my degree in Finance. I remember being slightly nervous with what my future will be, whether I'm, going to like it here, whether I will make true friends like I did once upon a time ago in boarding school, whether I'll make it through the years and graduate without giving up halfway and most importantly, whether I will be happy.

Here I am, almost at the end of my journey here, a seasoned final year student as they say. And sitting here, writing this, I'm able to admit that yes, I've done well. So far, so good.

I have friends that come and go, my studies are not too bad and I have tried my hands at a lot of new, strange and not so strange things. And even though I haven't made as much memories as I would have liked to and I haven't taken as much photographs as I said I would, I'm proud to say, that I've lived these past few years, true to myself.

No, I'm no globetrotter, I have not step foot on foreign lands and traveled far and wide like I have always dreamed. It's okay to slow down and take everything one step at a time.

Soon, I will be at another crossroad in my life, another transition. I will be leaving the life of a students and decide what comes next.

Some people have a clear picture of what, when, where and how they want their future to be; a son taking over the family business, a blushing bride on her wedding day soon after her graduation, a fashionista following her dreams of owning a fashion boutique, a famous rock-star in a rising band, a young social entrepreneur with his voice heard and respected, an accomplished accountant at an audit firm, someone famous, someone important.

However, just like the transition I had years ago, when I decided to enroll myself here, I'm still clueless at what I'm going to do. Back then, at that particular crossroad in my life, I was worried with the fact that I couldn't come up with something, anything, so that I could at least make a draft of my life plan.

But today, finding myself at another crossroad, I don't want to ruin it and worry so much. I've had enough of tearing my hair out and tossing and turning in bed at night. I've learnt that everything will fall into place on its own time. I just have to remind myself to keep doing my best at whatever I do and not to fall flat and give up.

But that doesn't stop me from wondering what my purpose in life will be. Have you had anything planned out for yourself?

Blocking It All Out

2011-08-02T11:43:00.001+08:00

I find it so hard to write nowadays because I keep stopping myself from truly feeling.

Sands in My Shoes

2011-07-11T10:29:00.003+08:00

We went to the beach last Friday and I have sands in my shoes to proof it Monday morning. It was brief yet wonderful but we didn't stay long.

Walking With No Destination in Mind

2011-05-16T08:07:00.005+08:00

I kept on walking and walking and walking with no particular destination in mind. My legs and back were weary from the strenuous distance. I walked through mazes, across rivers, up and down hills and mountains and upon reaching busy cities or towns with pebbled roads, I did not stop. I was completely fine with the sense of purposelessness -happy, in fact and would not stop even when people asked me to.

If there is a roadblock or a dead end, I would retrace my steps and begin the journey with no destination all over again, taking another route.

But I Am A Girl

2011-05-15T15:25:00.003+08:00

I like you. It must be because you're that confident with yourself to attempt and succeed at making me scream like a girl.

Just Like Any Other Person

2011-05-02T13:55:00.003+08:00

There's something about you that's unique and interesting that I couldn't quite point out. But I think it's just my imagination making up stories about it. You are just a person, just like any other, aren't you?

Sunrises and Sunsets

2011-04-23T10:26:00.001+08:00

The Mountain from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

0.000000000142857143

2011-04-21T09:36:00.003+08:00

When two persons choose to be in a relationship with each other it's because they are right for each other at the time. As time goes by, things change and one of them or both would feel that the other person is no longer right for them. Therefore, they break up. When one thinks about it properly, there should be no hard feelings really.

We are all humans. We are all looking for that perfect soul mate. But perfect soul mates who are right for each other all the time are rare. And that makes perfect sense. There are almost 7 billion people living on this planet. The odds are very slim.

Staying Awake

2011-04-19T00:42:00.002+08:00

I don't want to go to sleep. I fear that the night will end to soon if I do. I fear tomorrow morning. Stay awake with me.

Promise

2011-04-18T23:41:00.003+08:00

Let me have the too short fews hours that is left before sunrise to myself, unconcerned and oblivious.

I'll do it first thing tomorrow morning. Promise.

The World At Night

2011-04-18T01:40:00.001+08:00

Porch lights flickered momentarily and died. The curtained windows of the houses in the neighbourhood show no hints of light. The entire neighbourhood is still and silent -asleep. There were no streetlights around the area. It was a quarter past midnight and should have been dark outside. It's not.

The moonlight shone through the heavy clouds above. The midnight sky is not black but a strange gray -starless. The clouds were outlined, traced by the muted silver light of the moon that drew me to unlock my windows and look out in the first place.

My eyes adjusted to the dim light, noting details that would pretty much go unnoticed under the too bright sun. All is rushed during the day. All senses are overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, smells and the dizzying, hurried movement of people. At night, when the streets are finally empty, when it is replaced by a cool, quiet calm, I began to notice them.

I began to notice the world in all shades of blue and gray, revealing its true self to me, speaking through me through nature and buildings. The world is an entirely new world to witness. My eyes feasted on it all; the sky, the clouds and the shapes of houses and trees and the shadows that they cast. Even the gravel looks different, softer in the shadows.

I relished in the exclusivity, how the silence made me belief that I'm the only human being awake.

Sparks

2011-04-14T18:33:00.002+08:00

She is lying very still on the cool, hard surface of her bedroom floor with hopes that it would soothe the throbbing pain in her head. Coldplay is played in the background, Chris Martin's voice, languid, complementing the slow strumming of guitars. Slowly, her consciousness drifts away, providing respite, a temporary release from many restraints, the pain forgotten.

The Ocean Goes On and On

2011-04-14T09:44:00.002+08:00

When I stare at the ocean, it seems so vast. Staring at the horizon, the ocean seems to go on and on and on infinitely, never reaching an end. It seems that if I decided to runaway, I could run away forever and ever. It seems so possible devise an elaborate shipwreck to cut off our ties from the rest of the world and live of a deserted island like in Robinson Crusoe.

Lari jom?

Ocean Avenue

2011-04-06T09:52:00.004+08:00

I miss the days when I can sleep all day and stay up all night just like in the song.

Not Anymore

2011-04-05T09:55:00.002+08:00

I am no longer that girl that you could put down with a few spiteful remarks. I am no longer that girl that you could force into doing things that she doesn't like. I am no longer that girl who will believe you when you say that she's fat and ugly and stupid and completely useless. Not anymore.

To Be Happy

2011-04-04T16:55:00.002+08:00

I dream a lot. I set my ambitions high. Sometimes, they get too high and I begin to chicken out. And then, I settle for an easier ambition, one that I could easily grasps, one so simple that I could just happily live in it forever. But is that forever ever real? In the end, I would stop writing my ambitions down. I would stop thinking of any except for one. To be happy.

It doesn't matter what road I choose to take. I just simply have to remember to choose to do the things that makes me happy.

The Not So Accomplished Otaku

2011-04-03T12:44:00.013+08:00

My earliest encounters with anime include the shows that a typical Malaysian my age at the time watches; Doraemon, Dragon Ball and Sailormoon. Dragon Ball and Sailormoon did not have much hold on me back then but Doraemon, the adventures of the earless, blue robotic cat with a pocket that holds nifty gadgets who came back in time to aid the lazy, talentless and constantly bullied Nobita did. Growing up to Doraemon, there has been instances that I wish that Doraemon would just leave the hopeless Nobita and come to aid the not-so-hopeless me instead. I still sometimes wish that would still happen too.

Starship Girl Yamamoto Yohko has many characters that I look up to and a killer plot with lots and lots of space battles that emphasises on friendship, good vs evil and discovering strength over adversity. As I grow older, I found out that most anime and manga have some kind of good vs evil and discovering strength despite adversity theme in their plot. But my fond memories of the show still holds.

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I was one of those fangirls who would sit in front of the television and scream out 'Rukawa, Rukawa!' whenever the show is on. I'd be lying to say that I have absolutely zero love interest in members of the Shohoku basketball team. The show has many satire and crude humour over the basketball court but the main reason why I love Slam Dunk is because of what I learn from it. The show has taught me that I can achieve the impossible with hard work, unbreakable perseverance and the support of friends.

The family drama in the manga reduced me to tears. I could relate to the feeling of being unwanted, the hatred of one own self, the need to love and be loved for who you are and the desperation as the many characters cling on to the kind of lives that they hate. In the end, we all need our own Tohru Honda.

Blood+ has fascinated me with all its struggle. I saw and was inspired by how the characters of this anime grew strong and survive and passionately fights for what they believe in. I even cried a few times.

I technically went through my early teens with Gensoumaden Saiyuki. I used to sit in class, dreaming that the four boys would come and take me away in their jeep, Hakuryu. Gensoumaden Saiyuki is laden with sarcasm and crude jokes, a reprieve for the awkward teen girl, trying to fit in once upon a time ago.

There are a lot of other legendary anime and manga that I grew up with that are not mentioned in this post, each and every single one of them, with their very own unique charm and significance is some very important points of my life. I'm no longer quite as obsessed with anime and manga anymore but I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm quite the geek.

Malu

2011-04-02T14:03:00.002+08:00

"That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else"

-I Wrote This For You

Eye Contact

2011-03-23T08:30:00.002+08:00

I can stare at you as long as I want to when I know that you're definitely not looking. But when I have to have a face to face conversation with you, it's hard not to look the other way.

Please Let Me Win

2011-03-20T21:04:00.003+08:00

I feel that it's not safe for me to be left alone with my own thoughts. I feel the need to be constantly on the go, doing something to take my mind off my mind because it has far more authority than my willpower can fight. I couldn't set up any control over it. It has such a powerful hold on me, that I would succumb to its influence, its thoughts and ideas are so compelling that to the point that I am induced into an abyss that would consume me.

It distracts. It deviates me from my purpose. It pacifies all my arguments. It silenced my doubt. And it will destroy me.

I know that I cannot win. Please let me win.

The Photographer

2011-03-15T09:33:00.002+08:00

He took pictures. He didn't have to. But he did lovingly so. And we're all thankful for it. We're all thankful for the decades and decades of preserved memories.

Hard Fall

2011-03-15T00:55:00.003+08:00

Got my head way, way, way, way, way, way up in the clouds. And coming back down really hurts.

Stardust

2011-03-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

Susah sangat ke nak dapatkan that 'happily ever after'?

Little Miss Sue Sylvester

2011-03-08T12:42:00.003+08:00

The part that I hate the most about being a girl is crying like a girl. I wish I could rip my tear ducts out. Dry eyes are better than obvious, red, puffy ones.

I'm no longer the girl who cried because of her skinned knee after being pushed into the drains for being a crybaby. I'm no longer the girl who cried because she's hiding pathetically under the teacher's desk reading a book while plotting her never-gonna-happen escape from boarding school and all its glorious pressures because it's the only place that nobody can find her.

I'm just the girl who cries at the worst possible timing and who owns a set of uncontrollable tear ducts with a mind and impulses of their own . I'm just the girl who, totally overwhelmed with her own emotions performed enough public display of excessive emotions as a show of her own weakness and shortcomings that shall be the talk of the campus for the rest of her student life.

When will I ever stop?

We Are All Alone

2011-03-05T13:28:00.002+08:00

We are all alone. But that's just my ego talking.

Stop

2011-03-05T12:52:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I've cried. It's been awhile since I have any reasons to. If I cry now, just because I feel like it, when I really don't have any excuse to do so, would that make me an ungrateful person?

I don't like crying. I really don't.

I really want to stop. But I can't. Why can't I stop?

Cotton Candy

2011-03-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

Happiness is made out of sugar and air.

Partners

2011-03-02T20:14:00.008+08:00

You and I, we're good together. We balance out. You're always trying too hard. I'm constantly apathetic. We don't ask too many questions. We just work well. Once upon a time ago, fate simply decided to toss us into each others' paths fully aware that we'll be instantly glued together.

I'm glad we're still together, partner. And please bear in mind that I am very keen of the idea of us working with each other until graduation. Don't bail out on me just yet.

How can I ever survive without you?

I'm Sorry That You're Hurting

2011-03-01T19:24:00.004+08:00

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'm sorry that you're in pain. But I have no nice words to say to you or kind ones that could make you feel all better. I'm not very good at comforting people in pain. Some people have a knack for it. They say something and their words would immediately lift the clouds away, warming us inside and out.

Some would just say anything when you tell them that you're in pain because they just want to be seen as nice when they don't really care or that they really have nothing else to say to you. I don't want to be those kinds of people.

I care and I have nothing to say to you except that I'm sorry. I could sit with you for awhile if you like, unless you're worried that the silence might be awkward.

Singing Out Loud

2011-02-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

Having a great time is singing out loud to the radio in the car with friends who don't seem to notice that you're tone deaf.

We All Wanted To Be A Superhero

2011-02-27T18:10:00.001+08:00

'I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books. Movies. TV shows… You’d think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume. Is everyday life really so exciting, are schools and offices so thrilling, that I’m the only one who ever fantasized about this? Come on. Be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero.'

-Kickass

The Friendly Wave

2011-02-10T20:36:00.001+08:00

"Tengok atas."

2011-02-09T07:00:00.000+08:00

I'm a dreamer.

Talking To The Moon

2011-02-08T21:44:00.004+08:00

The moon is smiling again tonight. When I stared at it long enough, it talked to me. A silent conversation between the moon and I ensued.

"Reality beckons you," it said.

"I know, moon," I gingerly replied. "But staring at you won't help me at all. Your presence is alien to the surroundings of the reality that I know of. You're too beautiful to be the moon that I actually see every night. Am I going mad, moon? Is my fiction superimposed on reality? Or am I just dreaming all this?"

"I'll let you dream tonight. Get some rest. Tomorrow you will have to wake up to the sun."

Withdrawal

2011-02-08T20:07:00.004+08:00

Tossing away the absolute comfort that pages upon pages of the story has given me is very hard to do. I do so reluctantly and I'm not very sure whether I have enough willpower to proceed. It's even worse than pulling myself out of the warmth of my blanket on those mornings when I don't feel like getting out of bed.

All I want to do now is to be engulfed in a cocoon, my eyes eagerly devouring word upon word that make up the story. Even when I'm away, my mind is never quite right. It would stray towards the fiction, layers and layers of sentences imprinted in my brains, overlapping each other as I catch myself silently quoting. I would be constantly daydreaming.

Such is the effect of a really good book.

Mockingjay

2011-02-08T19:41:00.000+08:00

"Real or not real?"

"Real."

Home

2011-02-06T23:11:00.002+08:00

A simple gesture that is so routine was what it took to erase my entire existence from the room every time I stayed there. Not much hassle was needed. My clothes remained packed in the small hand luggage throughout my stay aside from the ones that I took out to wear. And after those have gone through laundry, they went back into the bag. There was very little toiletries. A comb, a bottle of lotion, the powder. That is all. The clutter that did not belong, that indicated that I was there before completely removed.

People keeps calling my brief stays there as going home but home was a long time ago. There is no home now.

Home are the people that I assemble them to be at a particular time and place. They are very easy to dismantle and reconstruct. This arrangement suits me well. I am a nomad, a person that has been chucked, thrown, lobbed and hurled around everywhere.

I do dream of something permanent. Sometimes, the bonds that I had with some of those people that I've assembled stuck through despite us being apart. That is when I know that my dream of a place that I could permanently call home, is more than possible if I look for it really hard.

Forgetting and Remembering

2011-02-05T13:18:00.002+08:00

I forgot how it was, really writing things down to my hearts content and the feelings that I get from it. I'm glad I wrote this before I did. It's important to record things in writings not just grocery lists but emotions, feelings and the way we see the world at the moment so that we remember how it was.

Of Capes and Superpowers

2011-02-05T10:04:00.002+08:00

I want to my tie my blanket around my neck into a cape and pretend that I have superpowers because I've learnt that making wishes out of airplanes doesn't work. Hoping that this will.

Hoping That You're Fine

2011-02-01T21:48:00.002+08:00

I hope you're fine out there. I hope that you are calm living, breathing in the sea of angry, shouting people. I hope that you're in high spirits. I hope that you are not afraid. I hope that you can just laugh and brush it off and go on. And I hope that nothing harms you -your mind, body and soul.

Explosive

2011-01-29T10:28:00.002+08:00

Externally, I seem harmless -generally a good person at heart. I don't know where you got that idea from. And whenever I do something 'so out of my character', you always seem to be genuinely surprised. You are too kind in your opinion of me.

I'm the worst kind of worst actually. Because it's hard for you to see who I really am inside. Even I can't figure myself out sometimes.

But you should know that behind that seemingly calm exterior that you always see of me, I am explosive. And not in a very pleasant way either.

The Rain

2011-01-28T08:57:00.002+08:00

I love the rain. I love how it cleans everything up. I love how the cool air stings my cheeks. I love the pleasant feeling of being warm and toasty all wrapped up in my blanket.

Work V. Leisure

2011-01-24T23:19:00.004+08:00

Pain before pleasure. Sorrow before happiness. Hardship before leisure. Turmoil before peace. Work before play. It's a trade off.

Childhood Roommate

2011-01-24T09:20:00.002+08:00

My grandmother and I have always been roommates as far as I could remember. It's a convenient sleeping arrangement actually. I have never gotten along well with any of my sisters as a child and extremely value my privacy. And the twins with their extremely clean and organised ways have learnt to put up with my baby sister's strewn dirty garments and unmade bed. Occasional rows between both parties; the twins and the baby sister would erupt from time to time and the issue would always be the same -the state of their room. But they always raise white flags in the end. And the pattern would repeat again and again.

I choose to be oblivious to such rows. It's none of my business really. They just have to work everything out on their own.

My grandmother unlike my bickering sisters has always been the perfect roommate. After being away for so long, my return to the room is always warmly welcomed.

My grandmother is an early riser. Every morning, while I'm still fast asleep, she would stealthily wake up and open the windows to let the fresh cool air in. It's wonderful to laze around in bed, wrapped in my blanket, breathing in the crisp morning air, under the dim early morning light when the sun has barely risen.

Being able to do so is a rare pleasure. Trips back to my hometown are scarce. Whenever I'm away, I always find myself waking up way too late, sweating in my blanket, the heat of the sun burning through the heavy curtains. It's very uncomfortable.

The Nosy Stranger

2011-01-17T17:50:00.003+08:00

You must be the kind of girl who throws her heart away, way too easily, I thought. The kind of girl who has had her heart broken way too many times. You must be the kind of girl who mistakes infatuations with love and has never seem to learn.

I'm not. Don't mistake me for one.

Disturbing Dream

2011-01-17T08:20:00.000+08:00

Just woke up from a disturbing dream about alternate worlds and lots of upsetting characters that would have scared the living daylights out of other people if they were to dream them. Why can't I wake up to a nice dream that leaves me feeling happy and warm instead? It is after all a Monday.

Imagination can be an unsettling place to be in. I have to be wary of that.

When I think about it, it has been a very long time since I've had a vivid dream. Is my tiring, hectic lifestyle interfering?

The Stranger In The House

2011-01-16T11:48:00.002+08:00

My absence in the house has been too long. And it hurts me, every minute that I'm away. I'm a stranger now. I hope you forgive me.

Get A Life, Wake Up And Smell The Roses

2011-01-15T09:20:00.002+08:00

I believe that youths todays are way too ambitious that it's making us miserable. Can't we just do what youths normally do like screwing around, experimenting, acting dumb and getting into trouble? Why do we feel the need to climb the corporate ladder way to early, meeting this CEO and that CEO, going around posing like you're so much higher than thou that everyone else, giving out that misleading air of 'I-can-do-everything' and saying that you're the next Mark Zuckerberg?

It's so ridiculous that I feel like shouting into the faces of these people and slapping them really hard.

Wake up and smell the roses. As youths, we have enough problems of our own. We have to deal with a lot of the intricacies of growing up and the complexities of discovering who we really are, and where we belong in the world -our purpose, our strengths and weaknesses, forming friendships and ties and memories that go along with them that will last for the rest of our lives.

It's pointless really, to want to grow up so fast to have neglected so much of our short time as youths that we might as well skip them. It's pointless really, going around meeting CEOs, going around posing like you're so much higher than thou that everyone else when you're not, giving out that misleading air of 'I-can-do-everything' when you're not and saying that you're going to be the next Mark Zuckerberg that you under a very slim chance just might.

Personally, I'd prefer to be me. Not the next somebody. But if it's your cup of tea, then, proceed. I'm telling all the youths out there, including me. Get a life.

An Affirmation

2011-01-13T21:34:00.002+08:00

"Keep this principle. Believe in yourself," he passionately stated. It's reassuring in a way. Sometimes, you need others to convincingly iterate what you've been saying to yourself all along.

The Great Soccer Analogy

2011-01-13T21:20:00.002+08:00

"What is more important? The technicals or fundamentals?" he asked to the unresponsive class.

"Do you know soccer?" he asked again, stirring the whole class up. We nodded, timidly. "What is the fundamental of playing soccer? It's to know how to kick the ball! It's very important. If you don't know how to kick the ball, how are you supposed to play soccer?"

He continued, "What is one of the technicals of playing soccer? Scoring a goal! You can't be a good soccer player if you don't know how to score a goal. So in the end, what is more important, the technicals or fundamentals?"

"It's both!"

I'm Malaysian

2011-01-13T20:55:00.003+08:00

"Are you Chinese or Malay?"

I get that sometimes -people asking me about my racial identity. Some find my racial identity hard to distinguish from my physical features. It seems like people are sizing me up, labeling me into categories. It seems like people are sizing other people up, labeling each other into categories.

But it's fine, really.

We're all made up of different religions, cultures, and traditions. We're different in a lot of ways. One can't help putting people into categories. But it's not an excuse not to get to know each other better because if we do, we will find out that we're actually very similar in a lot of ways too -as cliched as it may sound.

But it's hard coming up with an original line to answer the same question over and over again. All I could come up with is that, I'm Malaysian. Yes, you can roll your eyes now if you want.

The Donkey

2011-01-11T14:01:00.002+08:00

I want to be the donkey that made the best with what it has. Even if it's just dirt.

2011-01-10T21:20:00.002+08:00

Right now, doing my best is not good enough but it is my best.

2011-01-02T20:20:00.001+08:00

I want to hurt you. Bad. I want to rejoice in seeing you cry.

Single Track Mind

2010-12-26T09:17:00.003+08:00

I am of two extremes. One is ambitious and would stop at nothing to achieve its ambition. The other is constantly rebelling for more and more pleasures in life. One leaves me dull, boring and responsible. The other leaves me high, useless and in deep trouble. Both leave me tired and spent.

Words From The Dying

2010-12-08T20:54:00.002+08:00

The late Elizabeth Edwards, in her last post on Facebook wrote, "The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful."

When one is dying, one sees the whole world differently. And the days of our lives, for all of us are numbered. We are all dying.

Fluctuations and Volatility

2010-12-08T20:42:00.004+08:00

Life is volatile just like the exchange rate. We can create protections against currency risks and the government has some form of control against the fluctuations of exchange rates. Life's fluctuations are crazy and we have no control over them whatsoever. And we've learnt that making speculation is highly risky. The only thing to do is we just have to ride all the fluctuations out -living like we're forever surfing on a wave in a turbulent ocean. The only thing to do is improvise and make the best with what we have at the time all the time.

Senyuman Bulan

2010-12-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

Bulan malam ini senyum pada ku, seakan-akan menyidir. Bulan malam ini senyum kepada sesiapa yang betul-betul melihat.

Sleeping When Awake

2010-12-07T18:21:00.002+08:00

When one is asleep, all boundaries and laws are blurred and bent but they are easily defined and straightened out when one wakes or is woken up. Rooting to reality is harder to do when the boundaries and laws of one's world become blurred and bent when one is completely awake.

I sometimes find myself waking up while I am still completely awake.

The Lack Of Things

2010-11-29T19:45:00.003+08:00

The house is empty, void of our worldly possessions. The empty table and a few chairs blending in so well into the background, making their presence unnoticed. There is only the spotless kitchen sink and bare countertops in the kitchen. The bathroom is dry and pristine, the brightly coloured shower puff stealing the show. There is only one toothbrush and one toothpaste beside the bathroom mirror, ever so wonderful in all their lonesome. The bedroom is only adored with the basics. A bed with the sheets, blankets and pillow on top.

The lack of things brings peace to me. The entire house looks and feels clean and fresh with only the basics of basics. I could stare and be lost in the empty space forever.

Soon, the presence of human beings will make itself known. I ponder that in contempt.

The splashing of water in the bathroom, footsteps in the hallway, laughters all around, countless bottles of shampoos, soaps and potions that the girls used will appear and continue to multiply in the bathroom, leaving very little space on the sinks, cutleries beyond necessity, extra mugs, pots and plates will be stacked haphazardly all around the kitchen escaping organisation, molds and grimes will form resisting my incessant scrubbing, heaps of food will be stacked on the dining table creating uneaten mounds, writing papers will be smudged with unwiped particles of food left over, each room will contain odours; good and bad, perfumes, detergent, cosmetic products, talcum powders, lotions, leftover food, etc.

Everything in the house will be suffocating, reflecting the chaotic lifestyle of its occupants.

I value the sense of emptiness of the house, the way it is completely detached from the world, from living itself. I value the sense of space. The organisation that comes with vacancy. I do not believe that filling out this vast, wonderful empty space with things will make it homey. I find it suffocating.

Leave it blank and cold.

20

2010-11-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

But no matter how much I try to deny it, one day, I would surely transform into an old hag. No matter how hard I try, I would not be the poised and sophisticated lady, who has aged gracefully, whose beauty can still be clearly seen amidst the elegant lines on her face, her long, graceful fingers and her good manners that I so longingly imagine myself to be.

Instead, I would be the old lady who farts more than her husband (provided that I could score myself one), who has bad breath, whose layers of fat resemble an old, moldy mutated pillow case, who spews spit when talking and whose face that should have long been dead but is now scaring little children or even adults.

But I do hope that by that time, I would have had absolutely no regrets to the way that I have lived. I hope that I have loved tenderly, honestly and have received as much. I hope that I will not turn bitter and angry and bring down the people that depends on me.

I hope that I wouldn't use words and actions as a weapon to intentionally and cruelly hurt others. I hope that I wouldn't make empty promises.

And I hope that before I turn senile and useless and is reduced to a pooping vegetable, I'd die. I hope by then, I wouldn't be so afraid of death and dying.

But all this rant about old age is enough for now. In this present, as I turn two decades old, I thoroughly hope that I have lived and truly enjoyed and made the best of my teenage years. I want to tell myself that it is never to late to accomplish all my aims and goals. I want to tell myself to stick to the present, to try very hard and just see how it goes.

So, have a pleasant birthday.

The Digit Goes Up Again

2010-11-23T00:00:00.004+08:00

I am experiencing one of those awkward and obscure moments of a human being's life, when one finally becomes conscious to the fact that one has aged. It's one of those times that a person fully grasp the fact that yes, every single living thing including himself actually ages. Essentially, the process of aging is constant but before this realisation, I have never actually acknowledged it. I've always thought that I would remain young or as young as I was for a very long time. I thought that I wouldn't have any qualms or problems with aging until I'm very well into my middle-age.

Each year, the slight increase in the numbers that labels our age remains insignificant to me. I have changed as much as my whole world has changed throughout the years but I have also retained a level of familiarity of my past self as well as her entire world way back then. To me, everything changes but everything has also stayed the same. I am an almost 20 year old relishing her independence but I am also that same miserable 15 year old girl.

Don't get me wrong. I simply wish to be 5 or 15 years old again. I do not wish to turn back time to return to my childhood and adolescent years. Not in a million years. There is nothing for me in the past. Most of the memories of those times are filed haphazardly in the vault of my mind. Opening it would only remind me of a lot of turbulence in my life that I have no desire to relive. The tiny rest that are not in the vault are those little, precious memories and whenever I think of them, their warmth and light would radiate so brilliantly masking the coldness of the vault.

Those memories are much cherished and will always be carried with me as I face the present shaping my future. Acknowledging my aging is not such a bad thing after all. It may be foreign at first, being in my 20s. But I figure that I will settle in just fine.

Worlds Unlike Ours

2010-11-14T12:03:00.003+08:00

There was a time that I wouldn't mind being completely engulfed in the storyline of a good fiction to escape the inevitable reality. Nowadays, reading to me is more like a way to pass the time and even though it's nice being transported to all those fantastical land and adventures once in a while, reality is no longer a dark, cold prison cell but a place of numerous possibility and true excitement.

There is no point in burying myself in fiction when I can be in real life adventures and wonders. However, it is a comforting thought that I can always return to the soothing embrace of pages of a novel whenever the real world gets too overwhelming.

Cakes

2010-11-13T18:01:00.003+08:00

Today, I found myself craving for those cheap, bad-tasting cakes with unpleasant icing and equally unpleasant, cheesy decorations that consists of inedible plastic figurines and fruits that came out of cans. My sisters and I used to have them on our birthdays when we were little. Back then, our cake-eating experience was limited to the small town cakes sold in tiny, hidden cakes stores.

We had very little idea what big retailers and franchises are. It was a time before Secret Recipe cakes and other exquisite, morphia inducing cakes that are delights to our taste buds came into the commoners' market. There were hardly any malls around. I remember Ampang Park Shopping Centre, being the first shopping mall built in Malaysia booming in business very much unlike the dark, almost abandoned building overshadowed by Suria KLCC that exists today.

I also recall that our trips to the mall as something to very much look forward to. Those trips were rare. The small town that we lived in back then were not as accessible as it is today. A journey to Kuala Lumpur, where the mall is would take hours instead of the brief half an hour that it usually takes on a traffic free day today.

Therefore, my sisters and I were pretty much cut off from the wonderful world of cake. But it didn't matter to us back then. We didn't know better. For all we know, those cakes that came out of a tiny small town cake store were the fanciest, most beautiful and wonderful, best-tasting cake that we have ever tasted. Those were simpler, happier times when we didn't know better.

Utmost Laziness

2010-11-11T20:05:00.003+08:00

A person is laziest when he tries his best to complete everything perfectly in the most efficient way because he is too lazy to bother going through the hassle making any amendments. That is why I do that all the time.

When Things Stop Functioning

2010-11-10T23:10:00.002+08:00

Everything wears down eventually. Even human beings. Our organs, our joints and everything else. Eventually, everything stops functioning. Including us. And that scares me.

Swim

2010-11-10T22:47:00.002+08:00

I sometimes have vivid dreams of being in the water, my skin sensitive to the cool liquid that smoothly engulfs my entire being, cleansing all the dirt and grimes of living. Sometimes the dreams get too vivid and I find my body responding to being in the water while I'm wide awake as my mind plays tricks on me. Then, I found myself longing to truly be in the water.

I suppose that it could be my dark, suicidal state subconscious coaxing me to step to my own death and painting a picture of peace and solace that comes with it. Despite my resolve to learn, I do not know how to swim and most likely will never acquire the proper skills of coordinating my limbs to keep myself alive in the water.

It is rather perplexing, really. I do not understand why my subconscious thoughts feel that way whilst my conscious self fears death and the unknown that comes with it and constantly fights to be alive.

Perhaps I'm wrong about the suicidal part. Perhaps I just really want to be in the water.

Perhaps this is a sign that I should really buckle up, get my limbs together and finally learn to swim.

You Are Not

2010-11-06T20:44:00.002+08:00

In order to arrive at what you are not

You must go through the way in which you are not.

And what you do not know is the only thing you know

And what you own is what you do not own

And where you are is where you are not.

East coker, Four Quartets, by T.S. Eliot

Who Are You?

2010-11-04T23:59:00.001+08:00

You are the tadaima of my okaeri. Who are you?

We Conform

2010-10-31T20:02:00.004+08:00

The purpose of an examination is to assess the extent of the knowledge of the person sitting for it. They are meant to test our level of understanding on a certain subject.

Then they put rankings. They put standards that they thought classify the moderately dumb to the exceptionally stupid.

Then they decided that the tests results determine a person's level of success.Then they discriminate and stereotype people based on how well those people do in the examinations. Because people who do better in examinations are more well to do in life, they say.

Then examinations aren't just examinations anymore.

But really, they are.

An assessment. So if a person doesn't do very well on an exam, it only means that that person's knowledge and understanding on the subject that is taught is limited. It doesn't mean that the person is moderately dumb and exceptionally stupid. It doesn't mean that people who do better in examinations do better in life.

At times, when I see myself and even other people doing last minute cramming before sitting for an examination, I would begin to ask whether all the insanity accompanied by stress is necessary. Because last minute crammings clearly mean that we don't have the knowledge and understanding of the subject.

But we are not about to admit that. Because they put rankings for the moderately dumb and exceptionally stupid based on the examinations. Because they believe that people who do better on examinations are more successful. Because they stereotype and discriminate. And we conform.

I have to return to my cram session now.

Buat Buruk Perangai

2010-10-28T21:59:00.004+08:00

Are we, as adults expected to maintain our composure at all times without release? Are we suppose to just keep it all in?

It's highly unlikely that I would ever be able to do that. I could try but it is beyond being human. It is beneath us really. Because all the emotions, especially the hardest to contain make us stronger.

Annoyed By It All

2010-10-28T21:37:00.004+08:00

"You're smart. You don't have to work that hard," they say.

They look at me differently. Like I have some kind of superhuman ability. When they see me, they would think that I have everything so easily, that I have the natural talent to pass through everything smoothly and splendidly too. Perhaps that is true -sometimes. Most of the time, it is always a slump.

I see myself differently. I am a person with severe flaws. I've got serious baggage. I am strong but not as strong as I would want myself to be. I cry all the time. I put myself down far too many times. I secretly have very low self-esteem. I am a very slow learner. I have an ego the size of Jupiter. I give up so very easily.

I could go on and on.

It is very annoying when people set their expectations on me when they don't even know me that well.

Self-Loathing

2010-10-28T21:22:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when things go really bad, my defense mechanism would be to find the nearest, most likely thing to blame for my predicament. In the end, when all factors are considered, I only have myself to blame. It hurts when all my anger is directed to my own self. When we're angry with someone else, the person that we're angry at doesn't comprehend the extent of our anger.

Because of social civility, we would hold back our wrath to others. The person that we're angry at would not receive the full blow.

It's different when we're angry at ourselves.

There is no censorship. There are only surges emotion that need not be translated into words or be manifested into facial expressions and such. Nothing would be lost in translation and interpretation. There is no obligation of civility. Only pure anger. That in itself, hurts the most.

Inflatable Ego

2010-10-25T18:34:00.002+08:00

Eventually, you'll get carried away.

A Lesson Or Two From The Past

2010-10-23T12:44:00.004+08:00

A time machine has always been a thing of the future. So every time we talk about time travel, it would almost always be to the past. Who wouldn't give to travel back to the past to prevent the many mistakes that has been said and done or relive moments that you would want to last forever? Nobody ever imagined their very own self of the past travelling to the present.

I figure, myself of the past can teach me a thing or two about how I should live my life in the present. She would be a rather dissatisfied young girl with disapproving stare capable of making me squirm uncomfortably. She would be the best reminder ever of the many hardships that I do not wish to re-endure along with the many resolutions and determined promises that I made to myself. She would be summarised as a huge kick in the ass.

I See Differently

2010-10-22T12:35:00.003+08:00

My mother calls the youths today foolish. "They are so busy having fun, living the day, enjoying themselves with trivialities, making the best out of their youth and disregarding their academics while doing it. They see no importance in studying but in actual fact, they will have absolutely nothing to lose if they do so (study). They won't lose anything if they stop enjoying themselves and focus in their academics. They still have all the time in the world to have fun," she said.

"I am one of those youths," I replied. "I am busy having fun, living the day, enjoying myself, making the best out of my youth. I have no intention in disregarding my youth and I don't see what I'm doing as trivial."

I would live a sad existence if I stop enjoying myself and limit my focus to my academics. It would be like living in a rigid, confining room with a window to the vast outside. If I have a choice between locking myself in the room, longingly gazing outside and going out, I would go out. A youth sees all the trivialities that the adults see as important.

As far as I could see, I am aging, second by second. I am transitioning through the stages in life far too quickly. Everything is significant.

What Mummy And Daddy Can Do For You

2010-10-22T12:12:00.005+08:00

Almost everybody turn to their mummies and daddies when things don't work out. I hate myself when I do that. Yet, when desperation kicks in and there are no friends around to help me out of the slump, I find myself instinctively calling my mom.

The Road to Happiness

2010-10-17T18:23:00.002+08:00

There is a road to Happiness somewhere out there. And I'm going to find it. I don't know how. I'm not sure whether I'm on the right path or even the right direction. It's not like I have a map for reference and a compass wouldn't at all be helpful. Those self-help books are wastes of my time and money.

I am clueless of the routes that I should take. I find the bumps frustrating. I keep falling and stumbling over and over again. My trip is too damn tiring that I have to allow myself pit-stops now and again. There are times that I have to convince myself that finding the road is worth it. There are times that I have to give out small encouragements or kicks in the butt to keep going.

Recently on my travel, I heard that I'm not alone on my search for the road to Happiness. If you are searching for the road as well, would you care to join me? It gets awfully lonely sometimes.

My Loathing For Weddings

2010-10-17T14:02:00.003+08:00

I'm not looking for a prince to jump out of a fairytale book to come and save me. I can save my own self. I don't have a clear cut view of what kind of man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. I certainly am not interested in daydreaming about my wedding day just yet.

To be honest, I'm not even sure whether I'll be getting married at all. Getting married means that you are giving a huge piece of yourself to somebody and I don't even know whether I'll find somebody that I'd be willing to let that happen to me. As of now, I am one of the most selfish person I know.

And that is okay. Because I am still young. I don't have to conform to what society deems the correct role of womanhood; getting married, having children, juggling your career whilst taking care of ones' home and husband selflessly. Besides, I'm too young to think all of that.

So stop expecting me to do all that anytime soon. Stop expecting to me act like any other cotton-candy brained females out there who coos at wedding dresses and cakes, imagining themselves as one day, a blushing bride with a dashing prince in hand. That is bullshit.

Fairytales are nice because they are make believe and I love all things make believe. When things get too hard, it's nice to turn to the comfort of a fairytale. But when one is done with all that, one must face reality head on.

The Hindustani Movies on Saturday Afternoons

2010-10-16T15:17:00.005+08:00

Mr. Gui, my lower secondary Science teacher spends his Saturday afternoons watching Hindustani movies on TV. His fondness for the movies dates back to decades ago. The weekly ritual is so ingrained in his routine that he never ever schedules extra or replacement classes between 2 o'clock to 4 o'clock on Saturday afternoons.

Normally, Mr. Gui isn't the kind of person to wave off classes. He, just like any other teachers in my school is exceptionally dedicated and ingrained with the school tradition of excellence. The teachers are so attached to the students that they would squeeze as many extra classes between the students' classes, other teachers' extra classes, preps, meals and prayers time. The Hindustani movies on TV every Saturday must be a very big deal to Mr. Gui to the extent that he ensures than his classes never clash with the 2 hour slot.

I love the fact that Mr. Gui watches Hindustani movies on TV every Saturday afternoon. I love the fact that I know something personal about a teacher. I love the fact that that something paints a bigger picture of a person who stands over the dusty blackboards in class, chalk in hand, teaching us about things inside and outside our very own textbooks. I love that fact that that something reminds us that teachers are actual human beings, who after work, would drive back to their respective homes and families and watch TV.

I caught myself enjoying a Hindustani movie on TV this Saturday afternoon. I was instantly reminded of Mr. Gui. I bet he was watching the same movie at the exact moment that I did.